Left on Read by Therapy: Coping With the Silence

Maybe you've had it happen before. You spend what feels like forever debating whether it's time to reach out for help. Then the day comes where you're finally feeling ready so you look around, you find a few people, you draft the email (and edit it a thousand times because you're worried it doesn't sound right), you send it, then…. Nothing. Radio silence. You spent all that time working up the courage to reach out for help. All that time trying to find people. All that time making sure the email you sent or the call you made felt prepared and put together. You put so much of your time and yourself into this, and nothing.

It sucks, it's not fair, and honestly you do deserve the response, even if it's “My schedule is full right now but here are some additional people you could reach out to, or other avenues to try”. I can't fix this larger problem, neither can you. It's a burnout and accountability issue that's bigger than any one person. What I can do is give you some tips to help you take care of yourself and to not give up when this does happen. 

Step 1

Use this format to help increase your chances of hearing a response:

“Hello [Therapist's name]

My name is [your name]. I came across your information through [wherever you found them, such as psychology today, an insurance website, a referral from another provider] and felt you might be a good fit for what I'm currently looking for. I am a [age] year old [identity factors such as queer woman, veteran, black and disabled man, etc,] currently looking for a therapist to help support me with [reason for starting therapy, such as trauma recovery, coping with relationship struggles, anxiety or depression management, etc.]. I also [occupational and relational information, such as: work as a nurse and am a mother to 3 kids, am a student in a queer relationship, etc.] My insurance is [list your insurance if you're looking for insurance to cover services] and my relevant diagnoses include [list diagnoses you're comfortable sharing here that may be relevant to your therapy work]. If you have availability I would love to set up a consultation call to determine if we are a good fit and to discuss potential next steps. If you don't have any availability at this time, I'm wondering if there are other practitioners you would be willing to refer me to instead. 

Thank you for your time,

[Name]

This format will increase your chances of receiving a response because it gives us all the information we need to quickly gauge whether we would be a good fit for you. It also helps us to know who else to refer you to instead if we're full or if we might not be the right fit for you.

Step 2

Keep track. Anywhere that works best for you, keep track of who you've reached out to, when, and how (phone, email, etc.). I don't care if this is a full-on spreadsheet, a notes app in your phone, or a sticky note on your desk. Keeping track will help you to remember who you've reached out to and who did or didn't get back to you. It could also serve as a guide for when to reach out a second time through other means. For example, if you emailed that therapist that seemed like they would be a great fit 2 weeks ago, maybe it's now worth giving them a call. In your phone call you can mention you sent them an email a couple of weeks ago and are looking to follow-up on their availability.

Step 3

Take care of yourself. This is the important one… and the hard one. Throughout this process dive a bit deeper into your hobbies or the things you love. This will help to get you out of that email refresh cycle that's all too easy to get stuck in. It will also help to fill more of your time with something enjoyable to distract you. You can also come up with a list of enjoyable activities and try and schedule some of them in, such as a warm bath, listening to music, eating at your favorite restaurant, etc.).

If you notice you're having unhelpful thoughts such as ‘I’m never going to find a therapist’, recognize it as just a thought, not a prediction, not a fact. Just a thought. If that doesn't work, you can try repeating that thought over and over and over again until you get tired and bored of it and it loses its meaning. Taking care of yourself can also include talking to your loved ones about the experience and the difficulties you're having with the process of finding a therapist. Seek support from those in your life that are supportive. If you're really going through it, you can use anonymous crisis text lines such as texting ‘home’ to 741741.

Remember that the only way you'll succeed is if you keep trying. Know that all of the work you've put in up to this point is for you. You're doing this to show up for you and your well-being. You deserve that. I promise. Take breaks when you need to and try to schedule your return to the reach-outs into your calendar so that you can keep showing up for yourself.

Lastly, practice patience. Patience is a trainable skill. You can help this process by practicing mindfulness or meditation, or visualizing the benefits to all the hard work you've put in. Visualize a future where you've found the right therapist and they're helping you work towards your goals. You can also practice this skill by trying to reframe the wait. Try to think of the extra time as a time to prepare yourself for starting therapy, a time to identify what your goals are, and a time to examine your day-to-day with awareness so you can start to identify the patterns you want to jump right into once this all pays off. 

Conclusion

I hope that this information makes it easier for you to start and that at the very least, the format provided in step 1 gives you an easy copy and paste option to make this whole process run smoother for you. Remember, use the format, keep track, and take care of yourself. With these steps you'll increase your chances of finding a therapist and reduce the stress in the meantime. Now, go send that first email!